It never was. You had long destroyed your God given locks with relaxers and dyes, and traded it for the luster of expensive extensions that took more time to care for than it did to sew in.
But this guy noticed. He took interest in your nails too and knew your nail polish was fushia, not just pink. Oh what a darling you said to yourself.
So you decided it was finally time to take it one step further, deeper. This time, after all the many other times, you finally let him do more than just kiss you. Not that the kisses were no longer satisfying, hell you knew if you were to share more with him, he would send you to places you never dared dreamed of going.
You promised yourself you'd let him fondle only one boob, but he did more than fondle it. He bit into it, nibbling at your nipple and making your head aspire to the clouds.
He told you he had never wanted a girl as badly as he wanted you now and you believed him, even though a part of you felt slightly insecure. You didn't even feel pretty enough to be his kind of girl. And the bleaching cream you had bought for your darkened buttocks had barely made a significant difference. You were scared he would notice and not think you attractive anymore so you said no when he tried to pull your jeans down from under you.
But it was no use. He said yes for you.
You let him say yes for you. And somehow you didn't refuse.
Why didn't you refuse? You used to be so in control of yourself. You used to be able to say no and mean it.
You can barely recognize yourself right now.
He tells you your ass is the prettiest he had ever laid his eyes on.
He gasps! You like his expression. That is all the ginger you need.
He grabs your round fleshy buttocks and pulls you even further into him, kissing you, squeezing you, teasing you.
You feel wanted. It is good to feel wanted. You haven't had someone want you as badly as he wants you. You tell him this, a bit of you wishing you hadn't right after the words crawled out of your sharp mouth.
"All the guys who've never wanted you do not know what they let go of," he says to you, adding a pinch of sweetness to your overly exposed insecurities.
You tell yourself this is the only guy that deserves your body and you wished you had met him long ago.
Heck! He could do whatever he wanted with you, you thought to yourself, trading a slice of your self worth for the 3 minutes he finally dedicated to pounding into you.
It was over so fast you didn't even realize anyone could ever go that fast.
He told you that was the quickest he'd ever had to go. He blamed it on you and how too sexy you were for him.
"I just couldn't resist you, you are too much for me." He had said. A smile took possession of your face, an affirmation of your beauty and charm from him was a welcome bonus for you.
You had loved it however and it suddenly didn't matter that it was short.
The next time it happened the condom broke inside of you without any warning. Which kine yeye condom did he buy sef? You hadn't even bothered to check. You had been all too in a hurry, consumed by passion and excitement. And how convincing that it became the reason why you let him lure you into believing all raw was all better. E don kukuma happen abi?
You thought he was stupid for not using a Durex but you found yourself forgiving his stupidity in the same instance.
Onome had told you Durex never broke and it even felt like the real thing.
"Ha! Bisi you better fear God oh. Hold your own in your bag. All these boys would just come and be forming 'I-just-ran-out-of-condoms' for you. Then you would be there with Konji using you to do dada," she had said to you.
You trusted her. Onome was a pro. She was the one who even taught you the master art of fellatio.
"Only use your teeth if you suspect he has been cheating on you. That's the best punishment." You thought she was mad. Na meat?
You could never understand how she managed to proudly walk around with a pack of Durex condoms in her handbag.
If only you bought your own condoms yourself since you had decided to start having sex.
But you were too shy to buy condoms. So you let him use whatever condoms he had available. Or not.
It happened again three more times.
And each time was better than the last. He took you to a kind of heaven on earth. Or so it felt. This one was God-send you say!
Every time it happened, a part of you said it was wrong. You two weren't married, it didn't seem right. There was just something wrong with the situation of things. And so there was a little sack of guilt latched on to the back of your consciousness like an unseen demon. It knocked and tapped and rapped at you in your head, a soft warning voice that told you all along, "This is bad. This is bad."
However you found a way to curl up and let it all feel okay. You told yourself you were finally committed to somebody and you were going to make it work. One day you two would be married anyway so what difference did it make?
If somebody had told you it took more than giving your body to a man to get him to marry you, you probably would not have listened anyway.
The days breezed away quickly and weeks became a few months and in this short time, you had enjoyed the bliss of his company more than you could account for.
And then one day it was all over.
Just like that.
There had been an argument, one you couldn't care to remember the cause of. You had yelled at him and he yelled back. It wasn't the first time there was a fight between you two, but this was bad. Worse than the others.
He slammed the door in your face and you knew he was never coming back. You swore to yourself that he could go to hell and you didn't care.
Then you cried. You pulled a pillow into your chest and cried. It comforted you, its cases hugging you close and letting your salty tears find rest within it.
That was many months ago.
Now every time you permit your mind to give room for a moment of thought about him, you hate yourself.
You find yourself wishing you never even let him touch you let alone have sex with him and like it. How could you have liked it? AaarrgghH You hate the fact that you liked it. He didn't deserve you, you say.
You look yourself in the mirror and you feel slightly irritated.
"You bitch!," you say "Did you have to sleep with him?"
Soon enough you forgive yourself however, you let the memories find shelter way behind you in the hurried past and it doesn't feel so bad anymore.
Until yesterday when you saw a photo of him on instagram, holding on to a very bright smiling beautiful girl and he had tagged the photo as "Bae of life."
It tugged at your throat and pulled the life from you. You hated him all over again and hated yourself even more.
You feel little. You feel used. Dried up. Expended. There's that little girl inside you that you had satisfied by giving yourself to him and now you wish you could pull her out of you and rain curses on her for being so loose.
Ok ok, maybe this isn't how it happened with you, but you get my drift.
Babe, you really need to get over it. Hating yourself for having sex with anyone isn't going to change that you did. Accept right now, that if you were given a chance to do it all over again, you probably would still choose to have sex with this person and your reason for letting it happen would still remain.
Regretting or hating the fact that it happened only makes you feel worse about it. How about you remember that no one forced you in the first place and it was really all a choice you made yourself, in the case where you did make this choice yourself. And even if you didn't, here you are in the present, and it in your past.
Realize that who you are now isn't the same person you once were and you can make better choices for yourself.
You are more likely to respect yourself even more when you hold out on sex than when you give in, especially too early in a relationship. But it is what it is.
I never can understand how we let ourselves get all riled up about sexual issues and men on the other hand seem to be lackadaisical or outright full mouthed with their approach to the subject.
From my heart wrenching, deprecating experiences, I can give you a hundred reasons why you shouldn't even have sex with someone who isn't committed to you in the first place but who am I to make that decision for you?
But here's what I have learned and I think this would benefit you a great deal.
There are only two main things to get from a guy. His Gift or his Prick, with a little dose of friendship.
When you learn to focus on what a guy has to offer you in terms on what you can learn from his passions, talents and gifts as just another human being, resisting emotional ties and the need to be emotionally involved all the time, you'd find yourself learning and acquiring so much more than the fleeting pleasure that the flesh gives.
Understand first that you DO NOT have to be emotionally involved with every guy who is nice and sweet to you. Yeah yeah, I get it, He is the only one who gets you, he is the only one you can talk to about certain things.. how about you leave it at that and not push too hard on an emotional edge to your relationship?
As girls we are highly emotional beings and of course there is that constant need to want to be loved, and in the company of someone emotionally. But if you would hold out long enough and not give in to this need at its first instance with the guys you are around, you would find that it dissipates with time and it didn't even mean anything worthwhile in the first place.
Sometimes I look back in time on a guy from my "I-Don-wanna-Go-back-there" past and I see how I could have benefited from just being his friend and making the most of a friend zone.
Not every man who comes into your life has to end up in your heart and legs. And just because he got in your legs don't mean he's gonna wanna stay in your life. And if he got in you legs, and you let him, and you enjoyed it, don't look back on it and bring yourself down, beat yourself up, eat at your self worth and hate yourself for it.
Promise yourself that you would make better choices moving on.
I know it is difficult with all the temptation around us, but if you can and you should, make a commitment to hold out for a long time. 2 years, 4 years, till you are married maybe? Whatever it is, promise yourself. Use that as your forgiving strategy.
And if all else fails, beg the spirit of God to keep you from Temptation moving on.
Give yourself some love baby girl, you are only human and always will be. Smile, forgive yourself.